We’ve all heard that “home is where the heart is.” Yet, sometimes when we move to a new place it takes a while to feel at home. The time frame is different for all of us, and the things that make us feel at home are vary just as much.

Girlfriend Guru LEAH DOWNS reminds us that whatever we need to feel at home, there are lots of ways to help speed up the process and create a new “home.”

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven’t found my home

And we keep driving round in circles

Afraid to call this place our own

Are we there yet?

Home, home, home

~Ingrid Michaelson’s Are We There Yet?

In our transient culture, many women (military and non-military) face the daunting task of settling and re-settling their lives due to recurrent moves. A friend of mine (also a military spouse), posed this question on her Facebook page:

“I wonder if nomadic military people ever really feel ‘home.’”

Here are a few of the responses:

• “Home is wherever my curtains hang.”
• “I can’t decide which town to put as my “hometown” on my profile page.”
• “Everywhere we’ve lived has been my home while we were there.”
• “I was a military kid but we didn’t move much at all. I’ve moved more as an adult and still have no place in particular I consider my ‘home’.”
• “It enriches our lives in ways we will never be able to measure. I hope our kids will one day realize ‘Some people haven’t gone anywhere but think they know everything; other people have been all over the place and understand how little they know.’”
• “No. We do not.”
• “Craving stability must be normal when people are globe-trotting. It will be interesting to see what happens when stability is attained.”
• “It’s like dating. You can like a lot of things about a place, but when you find the one that makes your heart feel at peace then you know you are home.”
• “Our lifestyle lends itself to always looking ahead and not focusing on the here and now. I am trying to slow down and enjoy each station.”
• “If you are in an unbearable place, you can always console yourself that it won’t last forever.”
• “I’ve been dreaming of our “home” for a while now. I just don’t know where that is yet.”

When a New Place Feels Like Home

When putting down roots is not in the cards given your career or lifestyle, knowing what you need to make a new place feel like home can help you direct your energies on arrival in a new place. In response to my friend’s question, I asked my Facebook friends what makes them finally feel “home” following a move.

“Friends that Stop by for Coffee and a Chat”

Not surprisingly, establishing new friendships was the most significant contributor to feeling “home.” Though we know intuitively that relationships are important, there is scientific research supporting the health benefits of friendship.

• “I know I’m home when friends start stopping by for coffee to chat and don’t judge me for the piles of laundry or dishes.”
• “When I have a friend to call for a favor. Sometimes the favor is picking up a kiddo from school, sometimes it’s coming over for a cocktail at noon on one of ‘those’ days. Knowing I have ’someone’ I can share life with is when I truly feel settled.”

“Spiritual Support”

Many of those who responded said that finding a community of people with similar spiritual beliefs is key. Whether you’re new to an area or a long-time “local,” sharing a spiritual connection can speed the process of bonding with new friends.

• “When I connect with women spiritually, it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known them, we have the deepest things in common.”

“Combat Decorating”

My non-military friends often marvel at the break-neck speed with which I attack unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. When you know you will be moving year after year, prolonging unpacking and decorating is not an option. A fellow military spouse calls it “combat decorating” and limits herself to five days to unpack, an enviable goal!

• “I feel home when all boxes are gone and we look around the living room with that “Ahh, this is now our house” feeling.”
• “When my pictures are hung and my personal decorative touches are sprinkled throughout the house.”
• “It doesn’t feel right in my heart unless there’s beauty around me.”

“Finding a Place in the Community”

Locating services in a community is one of the greatest challenges of perpetual moves. For my girlfriends, finding a good hairdresser topped the list in that category. We feel we “belong” to a community when we’ve discovered new favorites like a coffee shop, library, restaurant, or babysitter.

Several people mentioned that helping their children settle into the neighborhood or school and finding venues to volunteer builds their sense of connection in a new locale.

“Levity”

I can count on my husband telling me two things in response to heightened stress during a move:

• “Flexibility is the key to air power.” (military-speak for “Roll with it, it’ll all get done”).
• “We can sleep when we’re dead.”

When all else fails, though humor may not make you feel at home, it can lessen the pain of living in flux, which leads me to my favorite response to my Facebook question:

“I’ll let you know when I find out. I’m speculating it might be when the retirement ceremony is over, the PTSD has worn off, and the six unopened boxes from the last three moves have been set on fire.”

Well said, Anna, well said!

LEAH DOWNS began her career in Washington D.C. writing for politicos. She married a military man, and three children, three continents, and nine moves later she now writes things from the heart. Her current writing passion is poetry. She considers her girlfriends to be “pearls of great price.”

How do you know when you’re “home”? What advice do you have for a girlfriend who is moving?

• Related articles: Finding new female friends when you move to a new city, article on advice for moving and Girlfriend advice for moving.

Check out Leah’s previous Girlfriend Guru post: Helping Girlfriends survive Fork-Worthy Days.

By the way, we LOVE guest blogs here at Girlfriendology. Have a great girlfriend story to tell? Want to celebrate your fabulous female friends? SHARE! (And, we also have Girlfriend Gurus – check that out to be featured on Girlfriendology!)

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Tags: finding home, girlfriend advice, girlfriend guru, Home, Leah Downs, military, military guru, moving

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 8th, 2012 at 8:47 am and is filed under Be a Better FRIEND, Girlfriend Gurus, thankful for girlfriends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.