Yearning for some BFF Time
We all need some good ole girlfriend time, don’t we?
Well, here’s one woman’s insight into needing her friends. Can you relate? Any advice for women going through this same feeling?
Well, we have some great girlfriend advice from our recent guest on our BlogTalkRadio show – ROBIN GORMAN NEWMAN. Here’s how she’s …
Yearning for BFF Times — by Robin Gorman Newman
My close friend, Debbie, who I don’t get to see too often since we live a distance apart, came to stay with us recently for a night with her two kids. Though older than my son Seth (age 7), he loves playing with them. And, I am psyched for the girl time with Debbie.
We gutted and completely remodeled our basement this summer, and for all the stress and hassle (which was considerable), I’m now thrilled that we endured. We have room for guests, which we never did before, or at least not comfortably. Other than the nanny we used to employ who was very tolerant, not many would have wanted to sleep on our lower level.
One of the things I miss a lot these days is quality or “play” time with close girlfriends (my BFFs…best female friends). Whether it’s having a good belly laugh or sharing innermost thoughts, it was always satisfying knowing I could huddle with a buddy. Since becoming a mom and no longer working in the city, I don’t have access to some friends as I used to…whether it’s because our schedules and family responsibilities are different, or we don’t live in fairly close proximity. Debbie and I, back in our single days, both worked in Manhattan and would often socialize together after work or at the very least get in a healthy dose of exercise as we walked to the subway or bus together, en route to our respective homes. She lived on Long Island, and I in Queens. And, we’d spend ample time on the weekends on the phone dishing about our week and making weekend plans, whether it was to go disco dancing (I’m dating myself now) or a low key dinner and a movie night.
Times are different now.
She lives in New Jersey, and I live on Long Island. For years, we always joked (but not entirely) that when we each (hopefully) got married one day, we’d buy homes next to each other or at least nearby.
That didn’t happen.
She met a guy from New Jersey, so they wound up settling there. And, I met a guy originally from Queens who was living in Great Neck, NY, so we wound up in Great Neck. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment (his bachelor pad) at first and when it came house hunting, we didn’t just look in Great Neck. We toured Rockland, Westchester, CT, other areas of LI and even NJ. I originally thought if we at least lived in NJ, even if not far out, I could get relatively close to Debbie….or at least there wouldn’t be a bridge between us.
We wound up putting a bid on a house in Glen Rock, NJ that was accepted, but it led to my having a totally sleepless night. I woke up the next day and realized we had made a big mistake. I didn’t want to move to New Jersey. I hated the George Washington Bridge. There’s always major traffic on it no matter the time of day, and I knew that if I were to ever drive to LI, NYC or Queens (where my elderly father lives), I would not be a happy camper. So, we revoked the offer, and the homeowner luckily was totally understanding. I knew at that moment that Debbie and I would likely never become next door neighbors or even live in the same state. My husband and I continued our exhaustive house search spanning several years, and ultimately found a ranch we loved in Great Neck, where we now live. Schools are excellent, and it’s a pretty tree-lined neighborhood. Although the suburbs don’t entirely suit me, it is a good upbringing for my son.
Since I no longer work in the city, I’ve endeavored to make friends in the suburbs. And, particularly, since becoming a mom, I’ve made a constant effort to befriend other moms. But, being moms isn’t enough to cement a true, meaningful friendship. You have to connect on a level beyond that. I do think it’s possible, but it doesn’t happen overnight, as my good mom friend Jeri says.
There is something to be said for having history with a BFF. Debbie knew me back in my single days. She knew my mom (who has passed away). She understands what my upbringing was like. Where I grew up. What I used to wear. When I first permed my hair. What pushes my buttons, so to speak, etc, etc. And, she’s not afraid to “tell it like it is” if I’m venting about something. She helps keep me “real” in that regard….kinda like a dose of tough love that you may not want to hear but you know you need to listen.
And, don’t we all need at least one friend like that?! Someone who isn’t afraid to say something even if it might not sit right with you. Someone who can ruffle your feathers, but you know they’re coming from a truly sincere place of wanting only what’s best for you. Someone you could call at 2AM, and they wouldn’t hang up. Someone who will let you talk ‘n talk and not expect anything in return. There’s no hidden agenda. No walking on eggshells. No questioning if they like you or not….or if it’s just about a play date for the kids….or for professional networking reasons. You genuinely connect on a kindred spirit level.
I’m grateful to have had time that weekend (even though it was fleeting) with Debbie. The sleepover was fun, and I’m glad we’ve managed to stay close all these years and to share the ups ‘n downs of life. She’s one of the most grounded women I know (despite a very challenging upbringing), and we always have a good time. It takes me back to the days when life seemed simpler. Uncertain…yes……since we were both single and wondered how things would turn out. Now that we have a sense of that at least for today, we can laugh as we look back on the things we used to worry about. They have since been replaced by an entirely different set of concerns.
Life is an ever-evolving journey, and the more we get to share it, the better. Here’s to girlfriends!
Robin is the author of How to Meet a Mensch in NY and How to Marry a Mensch (decent person), and works as a Love Coach for singles. She is also the founder of Motherhood Later…Than Sooner, an international resource/community for those who became a mom at age 35+, whether for the first time or again. Robin is the publisher of Baby Bloomer, a free monthly email newsletter for later-in-life mothers. She’s been seen on The Today Show, CNN, Good Day NY, etc., and lives in Great Neck, NY with her mensch husband and mensch-in-the-making son.
To hear our great interview with Robin, listen here.
What do you do to create time with your girlfriends? How do you catch up and connect with your BFFs? Share and inspire!
- Who needs more friends? Men or Women?
- The Oprah Friendship Quiz – How do you rate?
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Tags: BFF, bff time, girlfriend time, motherhood later, robin gorman newman, Women
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2 Comments
Some of my dearest friends I have only known for a handful of years. I, too, had moved to the suburbs and all the things you mentioned – time, work, partners, kids, location – all impacted the friendships I’d had with women who knew me growing up and in singlehood.
What I’ve learned is that even those are still rich, fun friendships (even if we go months without talking!), there is something to be said for making friends with women who don’t attach you with your story. New friends are able to embrace the new you – the you that you’ve become because of AND despite of all those bumps in the road – because they don’t know you any differently.
I think it also helps to focus on the kinds of new friends you want to attract into your life. Many women make a list of qualities they want in a mate. Why not do the same with friends? Be specific, be open-minded, be excited about the possibilities. I did this and am now so grateful for the circle of friends I can call at any time of day or night. They’re not all suburban moms like me; in fact, most live at least 20 minutes away, but I rely on them now more than I do the friends I’ve known my whole life.
Liv – love your friend insight (all you do!). Can’t wait to finally meet in personal. You’re already a girlfriend!
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