Combine shopping and friendship – and what do you get?

For Zaquinta Alexander, she did just that in her search for a new friend. Read this article from RedEye about one way of finding a new BFF.

Do You Need a Friend?

By Kyra Kyles, RedEye,Published April 20 2009

You might go on Craigslist to get rid of a gently used sofa, join a running group or find a roommate.

But could you use it to find a new best bud?

It’s worth a shot, according to South Sider Zaquita Alexander.

“I have a lot of friends, but we don’t have the same interests anymore,” Alexander, 29, said.

That’s why she posted a Craigslist ad “looking for a new BFF” in late March.

“I love sushi, and when I ask my girlfriends I have now if they want to go with me, they say, ‘Eeeew,’ ” Alexander said.

“They don’t want to check out a play with me, even though I’m into theater. A lot of them are married and settled, or just want to keep doing the same things we did when we were younger.”

Alexander was nervous about posting a call-out for a confidant, especially online for all to see, she said, but local experts agreed that finding a close friend, especially in your mid-20s and 30s, is serious work.

It’s almost like looking for a partner, husband or wife, a local life coach and psychotherapist told RedEye.

But it’s worth the effort, online or otherwise. Several recent scientific studies have shown a link between good friends and happiness, even longevity, according to University of Chicago professor John Cacioppo, who is involved in a 10-year study of social relationships set to end in 2010.

Some recent studies even suggest that the more friends you have, the more money you make, according to Cacioppo.

There is some truth to that, but that doesn’t mean more buds equals more Benjamins.

“We do find money and loneliness to be inverse, but it’s more about happiness and connectedness,” Cacioppo said. Friendlier professionals tend to get bigger bonuses, more job referrals and positive attention from co-workers. “People who have trouble making friends are usually hypersensitive to perceived social slights and therefore less likely to be successful in a team environment,” Cacioppo said.

There’s nothing wrong with having fewer friends, though, as long as they are strong, positive and real connections.

“The book we’ve written suggests it isn’t a number–there is a quality of relationships that relates to happiness,” Cacioppo said of findings in the 2008 book he co-authored, “Loneliness.” More data is set to be released as a book in the near future, he said. “A person who has 1,000 friends on Facebook but no meaningful relationships isn’t going to necessarily be happy.”

Even if you have good friends, you must be willing to adapt and let others into your inner circle as life changes, said local life coach Kathryn Keller of kckeller.com. Keller said most people have relationships with others on five levels, ranging from “best” and “close” friends to peripheral people you see and talk to on a limited level.

People move in and out of those circles, Keller said, but maintaining at least two or three close friends helps stave off feelings of loneliness. Chatham’s Karen Coleman appears to be living Keller’s advice.

Coleman, 36, said she has had many close friends over the years, but now treasures relationships with three.

“My circle has gotten tighter over the years, and that happens as your life changes and goes in one direction, while your friends’ lives go in theirs,” Coleman said. Last month, she made her circle even tighter after a cousin with whom she had a close relationship blogged about the details of her personal life in an unflattering way, Coleman said.

“She will always be my family,” Coleman said. “But she will no longer be a person I confide in.”

River North’s Derrick Alba said trust plays a big role in his decision to limit himself to one or two really good friends.

“I don’t think you can ever have too many acquaintances, especially if you want to have lots of places to go,” Alba, 37, said. “But I’m careful about who I call a close friend. I’m happy to have one.”

Psychotherapist and local life coach Ioanna Chaney recommends more than one close bud.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” said Chaney, who has offices in Lincoln Park and downtown. “People move away, people have kids. With those changes, your friendships change.”

Arlington Heights resident Lana Reznikov learned about the fleeting nature of friendship last August when she lost close companions to relationships and marriages. Reznikov, newly single at the time, didn’t have as much in common with her coupled-up buds, so she started a meetup.com group.

Reznikov attended approximately seven different events and exchanged phone numbers with several Meetup members, but never really clicked with anyone.

“I just started going out by myself or with people I already knew,” Reznikov, 32, said. “I went for a drink with a neighbor, bumped into a friend and we all hung out. … I also ran into an old landlord of mine, and we became good friends. I’m an outgoing person, so I realized I didn’t need Meetup.”

Meanwhile, Alexander said she is excited about the results of her online effort.

She and some of her cousins met up with a potential best bud during a recent networking event at Rumba in River North.

They had a “fantastic time,” Alexander gushed.

“I’m so happy to meet someone who shares my interests,” Alexander said, adding: “I think she is best-friend material.”

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Tags: Craigslist, Facebook, friendship, relationships

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