Girlfriend Advice: Help this Mom
Thank goodness we have girlfriends!
Who else can we turn to when we need solid, trustworthy, wise advice? Our girlfriend J asked for your help with this situation – and she’s desperate for insight! If you know other women who might have gone through similar situations, will you forward this link to them and ask for their help. Thanks girlfriends!
From J:
My son has been involved with a girl for over a year now and he just turned 12 in February. The little girl that has some sort of evil spell on him, has been bragging about controlling him to her friends and his. He defends her at every turn and has even gone so far as to cut himself in order to prove his love for her! I have already involved the counselors and teachers at school, and also the bus driver and all of my PTO parents to “keep on ear/eye” out for the two of them for me. Any other advise that you can give me? I need her out of his world, he is EXTREMELY shy and she has a hold on him that is very disturbing at this age.
This is serious girlfriends – Please share your comments below. Thanks.
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Tags: Advice, girlfriend advice, mom advice, Mother
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9 Comments
To J…
First of all, so sorry you and your son are going through such a difficult time. It must be very overwhelming.
Having worked with teens for many years, I would seek help beyond the school counselors, and see a psychologist who specializes in working with adolescents. This is not about the girl, it’s about your son.
The best of luck to you and your son. Hang in there, and take it seriously…get more qualified help. You’re doing the right thing.
J – a Twitter girlfriend responded:
She didn’t write anything like that she’s spoken w/ the other parents. I would seek outside of school counseling for him.
This is so tough. My son is 15 and has been with a girl I don’t like since last summer. What we’ve done is set a lot of boundaries. He is limited to only 2 hours worth of text messaging per day, and we have set limits using our cell phone website that limit him from using his phone after 9 p.m. and before 3 p.m.
I also insisted on meeting this girl’s mother and talking candidly. I shared with her some of the things I’d found on my son’s cell phone, for example.
He knows I don’t like this girl, although I have tried to be supportive of him and respect his feelings. He has also done what your son did–he insists that he did not “cut” himself but he has scraped an x-shaped scar into his arm.
The challenge is to limit him without alienating him and pushing him toward this girl. I truly believe that he will come to his senses, but I also know that he thinks he knows everything.
Something you should try with your son is talking to him candidly, asking how he feels about this relationship. At age 12, it’s likely that after a while it will feel like a millstone around his neck and he will need advice on how to extract himself. Always keep those lines of communication open.
My only other thought is to keep him busy, busy, busy. Sports teams are perfect for that, or if he’s not athletic, something like band might fill the bill. Plan lots of family outings, too. After a while this girl will be tired of the lack of attention, and move on–and by that point, you’ll have educated all the other boys’ mothers so they’ll be ready.
Hang in there!
One strategy might be to talk to the girl’s parents. I wonder what’s going on in her home that leads her to believe she needs to control another human being? And not to get all in your business, but how does your son view your interactions with the men in your life (father, brothers, partners/spouse)?
I also have to agree with Jen Kuhn and suggest you have your son speak with a licensed professional counselor or other qualified professional. School counselors are great resources but their focus is broad and right now, you need a more narrow focus on your son.
On top of that, the more you try to exert some control over your son and make him stay away from her, the more likely he is to be drawn to the girl. It’s a defiance thing, on some level. If he’s self harming though, some intervention must take place.
And you are doing the right things, reaching out to others, and reassuring your son that you love him. Best wishes to you!
First, you have to remember YOU are the parent. If you don’t or haven’t in a while – get back to “what I say goes”. Yes that is tough, but this will only get worse if you don’t stop it soon. Trust me – I know for a fact.
Start with the obvious, talking and removing all razors from the house.
Then go with him to counseling. He feels this is the only way he can control things.
Probably most importantly – remove him from HER presence. Get his classes switched. Let him know that if you have to attend school with him, you will – because right now NOTHING is more important than he and his well being is. Nothing!
Tell him you want to start trusting him and start working on a plan.
Take him out and have a real – indepth conversation and make sure he clearly understands that he can defend this girl all he wants, but she is clearly influencing him in the wrong way and it must stop.
I know I’m rambling, but even if you have to take a week off of work to make your presence known, it is worth it.
Be clear, be frank and be consistant. It is a process but letting him know you are willing to do what ever it takes, (including a new school even) he will take you seriously.
My best to you – as it is truly hard to be tough on our children, but we have to if we want to keep them.
This post has me feeling quite worried. At 11 (when he started his ‘relationship’ with the girl), this person was a child. I would argue that a 12 year old is still a child. He’s not even old enough for Jr. High.
If someone were ‘controlling’ my child, and somehow inducing my child to cut himself, I would have to seek immediate attention. I’m trying to figure out how to say this in a non-alarmist way, but inside, I am screaming.
I agree that it is not about the girl; it is about your son. Get thee child out of this situation. I advise severing ties with this girl, at least for the time being. Switch schools. Move. Do whatever is necessary. He’s not even a teen yet but he’s all emo… he needs help. He needs tender loving care, he needs protection (from himself, and others). He needs to know, in the core of his soul, that he is truly being taken care of and that he does not have to decide everything about his whole life right now all at once. That is what parents are for. (And don’t forget the child’s job of arguing about that!)
I’m sorry. I work in foster care and I see a lot of bad teen behavior. It always goes back to childhood. This needs to be nipped in the bud or else you risk the next 10 years being hell. This could possibly be life-changing (life-determining).
And whatever is going on, he is probably going to experience a flood of hormones in the near future. Which will only exacerbate his feelings and behavior.
There is a time and a place for sorting things out, and there is a time and a place for parental protection. I am saying that this situation calls for the latter, at this time.
Good luck, and strength to you, mom. It’s the hardest job in the whole world. ~hug~
I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Not a fun thing to go through as a parent. The only experience I have with this type of situation is with my nephew. His parents finally moved. They only moved a couple of miles, but it put their son in a new school district. Good luck!
Wow – thanks girlfriends for such wise and caring advice.
J – will you please report back to you on how things go and how this advice hopefully helps?
Thanks – and hugs to you too, Debba
Thank you all so much for your advice on this situation with my son. I have always felt that it was more about the girl than my son. This has given me something to think about certainly. The girl started pursuing him heavily, and I immediately had my freak flag up. I am active in school and tried to learn more about her home life at first. She has a very troubled background. Her Father is in jail, and her Mother is only 16 yrs. older than her and has chosen a different life. She lives with her Grandma and she is expected to do a great deal of the work on this horse farm. She carries a lot of anger and rage and she is a bully to most kids. She is very cute and outgoing and can be quite fun to be around if she likes you. But if you even come near my son, she will turn on the temper like a lion. In fifth grade, a girl that she felt like him, signed his yearbook and she took a Sharpie Marker and not only defaced her, but the entire book.
Being a Mom, and realizing how much pain she was in, I tried to let her talk to me. She is very deep and dark of course. I guess her Father tried to kill both her Mother and herself and that is why he is in jail. I spoke with the Grandmother about some of the concerning posts she has sent me and she just grounds her and tells me it is none of my business.
I have my son talking w/ the counselor, but it is not working. He does not tell him anything at all. Everything is just fine, he says. I have a wonderful relationship w/him. We sing, and play guitar hero and we play soccer together and we run together and watch a lot of his favorite silly shows together. But he only talks about trivial things, NEVER emotion or feelings.
We had an episode just today, he was sneaking to the basement to speak to her and I startled him. I was ticked and told him to hand me the phone. I told him that she was over, no more! If I hear of one tiny little conversation w/her anywhere, we will be changing schools in a heartbeat. My husband works close to another very good school, so it would just be a matter of tuition.
But as far as the comments about it being more about his own self worth or his own ability to speak out and say no or recognize toxic behavior, that is my next step in finding someone more able to break through his wall.
Allowing her to treat him badly and talk about other boys and toy with him, and then continue to put up with that just makes me so sad. He has wonderful role models and I don’t know where that is coming from ?
Thank you girlfriends… I have more work to do.
J
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