Girlfriend Advice – What to do for a friend …
We’re girlfriends through good and bad. That’s what friends do.
But what happens when life is tough for a friend and she doesn’t see that you’re trying to help. What can you do to assure a friend that you’re looking out for her and only want the best for her? Yesterday, we shared the truths of being a girlfriend, like
- We genuinely want the best for each other.
- We help you see things you might not.
- We look out for each other.
- We’re here for you.
- We love you.
So here’s where a girlfriend needs your advice. Her friend, we’ll call her Amy, is in a relationship with someone who isn’t treating her as well as he should. And he’s trying to convince her that her friends, who are looking out for her, aren’t to be trusted. We’ve all been there to some degree, where our emotions impact our decision making. We’ve all had troubled friendships and hopefully we’ve learned some from them to help her with her request for girlfriend advice.
What should Amy’s girlfriends do?
- Stand by and wait until Amy sees the truth?
- Intervene and risk losing her friendship if he demands ‘either your friends or me’?
- Any sites, books, movies or other good ways to help Amy trust her friends?
- Other ideas?
Please share in the comments. This girlfriend is desperate for advice on how to be a great friend. Thanks!
Image by janusz l via Flickr
Girlfriendology, the online community for women based on girlfriend inspiration, appreciation and celebration
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=c4b965ee-17c6-4a88-9e3a-10a62bded547)
Tags: Advice, friendship, girlfriend, relationships, Women
- Share on:
19 Comments
This man is clearly manipulating her – no good partner/friend would ever say ‘them or me’. She needs to really examine why she is staying with this guy, is he an enabler? Is she too insecure to stand up for herself and not find a relationship where the guy treats her as she DESERVES? Her friends are clearly there for her, dont ignore this!
Amy’s friends should keep their focus on their relationship with Amy. Keep communication open, stay honest with her. Reinforce their “trustability.” Don’t confront her about the guy or even criticize the boyfriend. And definitely don’t just stand by waiting. Stay right in there as her friend!
I believe in the law of non-interference. The two people involved have something to learn from each other and it is their responsibility to make their own choices about their relationship.
Be there for your friend and listen when she wants to talk. Offer advice only when it is asked for.
At one time I thought my friend should leave her husband and if she had taken my advice, she would have. They got through their difficulties and were married for 30 years before he died a few months ago.
Theresa
In my experience, if you say something about the guy, your friend may start to believe him. The best you can do is be available and make your friend feel good around you. Eventually she’ll figure out she’d rather be with people that make her feel good about herself. Unfortunately, in relationships, you have to learn for yourself that someone isn’t good for you. We’ve all learned the hard way.
Good movies to watch with your friend: Muriel’s Wedding, The Wedding Singer, Sense and Sensibility, The Holiday.
Stand by her and wait. She’s really going to need you. When the relationship becomes a fail or she expresses interest, bring on the books. I recommend Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo’s book He’s Just Not That Into You and Elizabeth Kuster’s book Exorcising Your Ex. On a more serious note, Howard Bronson & Mike Riley’s How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days offers comfort. For movies? Anything about girls having fun…with the girls!
Try not to judge her because that only distances you. As she invites it, be truthful~ gently. In time, she’s bound to become disillusioned.
Great therapists listen & coax people toward their own valid conclusions…so do great friends.
Best Wishes, Jeannie
This is a difficult situation. It’s hard to see your friend unhappy or hurt.
If the boyfriend is trying to keep her away from her friends by telling her they are lying to her or talking bad about them, she needs to figure out why he *really* doesn’t want her to talk to them. Does he have something to hide? Do they give her support against him?
Generally, the things you have to hide from your friends are the things you know better than to be doing anyway. If it was a good idea, you wouldn’t be hiding it.
So, what is going on that this guy doesn’t want her friends to see?
No woman should ever have to put up with being treated badly. For every one man that does of there are 3 that won’t.
With compassion and love, ask her to remember how you two have always been there for each other. That you are still in her corner and will always be there. That she can count on your trust because you love her and would never want to see her hurt. Don’t comment on the guy and if she brings up any negative comments he has about Amy, Amy should respond by saying something like: “You know that I love you and want the best for you. I will always be here.”
She will see that actions are better than words. You’re not doing the name-calling, you’re showing love. If she leaves, she knows she can come back to the friendship; without judgment.
Wow – all of you could take over Girlfriendology! Great advice. Thanks so much for sharing. I’ll ask my Twitter girlfriend who requested this advice to come back and share an update.
Thanks girlfriends! I’m honored to be in this community with you! Debba / Girlfriendology
Stand by and wait is really all you can do. Be a supportive voice when she needs it and hopefully she’ll realize how manipulative and crappy her boyfriend really is. It’s important that your friends understand that no matter how much you disagree with what’s happening in their life you will always be there for them. And in the end that will win out over the boyfriend.
I wish I could say there was an easy answer to this question, but, there is not. Been there done that. You MUST be there no matter what. You are her friend not his and you will be the one to pick up the pieces.
My cell phone did not get turned off for 3 years because of my best friend being in a marriage that was killing her. I slept with the phone on vibrate every night. If she called at 11pm I picked up, at 2am I picked up. Didn’t matter when, I was there. All this with my husbands blessing.
I think that was the biggest kicker. Knowing that my husband knew what I was doing, all my energy focused on her, taking care of her and holding her hand, and it was ok, was what she needed. Knowing that we loved her no matter what happened, just as we loved each other.
A good example of what real love and commitment looks like can be a powerful thing.
I agree that the most important thing is to keep the channels open so that your friend feels there is a safe, non-judgmental place for her to go, if/when this relationship goes bad. I should say, “when” this goes bad — because isolating someone from his or her support system is a classic sign of an abusive relationship. There are fewer reality checks, and fewer balances against his or her assertions of power.
But you asked for advice. Be loving, but be strong. You don’t have to gloss over his faults. It’s better to ask questions that she can answer herself, i.e., “why would he not want you to have friends?” than to lecture her. And just let her know that you love her, that you are concerned about the relationship, and that she can always come to you.
Also, as weird as it sounds, reassure her about her other good qualities: if he is potentially an abuser, he will try to make her feel more worthless, so that she thinks no one else would want her. Help her find other sources for her self-esteem and strength, like volunteering or her job. Compliment her looks. It sounds trivial, but it will matter. And be prepared for her to talk about her relationship with him, even though it makes you sick — other people will almost certainly turn away from her. Someone will have to stick by her. Let that someone be you.
Let her talk about the relationship and do not judge.
Reinforce the positive qualities that she has, that he is demeaning. Make her see herself for what she really is. Make her feel strong!
This will eventually give her the strength to realize that the situation she is in is potentially abusive…
The manipulation alone points to a man with abusive tendencies and unhealthy behavior. It may not be physical (yet) but isolating her from her friends shows that he is def. manipulative and therefore, certainly being emotional / mentally abusive.
Chances are if he is talking poorly about your friends he has something to hide.
**Comment 10 makes many valid points that I will not re-iterate, but i agree with COMPLETELY!!!!**
First off, I’d have to know how far along the relationship is as to degree of action/reaction.
But generally, yes, I’d stick by Amy and keep my mouth (mostly) shut.
Like. I have a friend who smokes. Smoking is very bad for you, and will usually shorten one’s lifespan. But, she is still my friend. I stand by her, because I am her friend. Her choices, they belong to her.
See?
Women just like to be listened to; they don’t want someone trying to fix their problems. Giving advice or calling out someone’s boyfriend — even if he is treating her like crap — won’t gain as many “good friend” points as simply listening and supporting your girlfriend will. While keeping your mouth shut can definitely cause tension, it’s so much better than giving advice and having your friend blow up at you for criticizing her boyfriend.
In my opinion you should never trust a new boyfriend over a long time girlfriend. There is a blogger that I follow that has been doing a series on women in bad relationships. In this post http://johnshore.com/2009/02/12/women-in-bad-relationships-need-not-fear-fear-2/ he talks about how the man will isolate his woman from her friends and family so that she has no one to cry out for help. If you are interested in reading the whole thing start here http://johnshore.com/category/relationships/7-reasons-women-stay-in-bad-relationships/ . Hopefully she will get out before it gets this bad though. I personally would intervene for my friend and I have done that in the past for a dear friend.
This is a really tough situation. The best thing Amy’s friends can do is strengthen their friendship with her. Tearing down the boyfriend often leads to resentment – regardless of what happens with their relationship.
When in a similar situation in the past, I focused on my friend’s health and happiness and that of her daughters by asking open-ended questions about what it was that she really wanted and what she felt her daughters were learning from the situation. I simply listened to her responses and sometimes asked additional questions, but tried very hard not to inject my personal opinion. Even though she sometimes asked for it.
You have to wait and be there for her. Unfortunately we can’t keep our friends from making those mistakes any more than they’ve kept us from making ours. And if you tell her how bad he is, she may just believe him more.. better to let her realize on her own.. unless of course he is abusive. Then that is another story altogether.
I do not know where to begin on this one and I am sorry for the long post.
I met my best friend 5 years ago at work, it took us a while before becoming friends but once we did, we got along like house on fire. Unfortunately, my parents did not appreaciate her coming over at our place too often and as a result there were many arguments.My friend noticed this and we discussed it. This resulted in my friend sending messages to my Mom, requesting her to let me be and lead my own life. This did not go down well, besides everytime we met my friend could not see beyond the hurt. We stopped talking for one month and I decided to go study abroad, that’s when we started talking again. We got back to being best friends, she even came to visit me. I returned and it started all over again, my parents seemed to have accepted our friendship and all was going well, but then my brother got with her one day and started insulting her again, this is because she noticed that my sister-in-law was putting on a little weight–well she was pregnant and in India we do not announce for the 1st 3 months and so he got mad at her mentioning the weight gain and started attacking her about free food etc at our house. This is when I realised that my parents were just pretending to be ok. My friend is not well off like we are, she is the sole earner at her house (dad passed away when she was a teenager) and through her hardwork and education reached a very position careerwise. Anywayz the constant name calling, even calling her a call girl as they do not understand how she is spending cash.. all has mentally tortured her again. Besides all this she lost her job and her boss played unfair and did not give her the share of profits. And recently her cousin passed away, this has put a toll on her. I also have not helped by my mood swings. Though I am not talking to my brother and really aloof from my family, she is loosing faith in life and especially in me. I do not know what to do. If I try to be there for her, she doesn’t want to see me. I do not know whether me being around her is a good or bad thing at the moment. We have so many fights, she attacks me and I have to keep apologising. The moment she forgives, I seem to do something that upsets her again. I have just received a message from her that I am fake and that I should not bother or things will get nasty. I have received such messages before too and then she calms down but that’s cause I push, now she says am I suffocating her and that she doesn’t want me near her. My best friend is suffering and I cannot do anything to help her. I am aloof from family, my own job situaition is not great and to top of that if she distances herself, I’m going to have a breakdown big time. What should I do? I want to help her and have no clue how?
She spoke to my sister-in-law when she called but did not attend my call. I called her brother and found out that she was sleeping. However, I know that this will make her angrier but I needed to know she was safe. I am doing the wrong thing? What can I do to restore my friendship and make her gain confidence in this friendship again.
Oh and btw she is a Scorpion Woman and I am a Saggitarius Woman.
Regards
Melissa.
Melissa,
Sorry to hear of your pain over your friend. I’ve had tough friendships before and it is hard to handle.
I’m not a Psychologist but I can recommend one – Dr. Irene Levine. You might run this scenario by her on her blog – http://www.fracturedfriendships.com. She has some great books on ‘fractured friendships’ which would probably help. (Search for “Irene Levine” on Amazon, etc.)
I hope that helps. Good luck with your friend – Debba