I keep trying to lose weight … but it keeps finding me!  Unknown

The Faux Diet Queen (or as we affectionately call her, FDQ) has agreed to share her latest (and last) weight loss journey with us as a regular feature at Girlfriendology. We hope you’ll join us to cheer her on, nudge her back on track when she strays, and generally giggle along.

This week, the Faux Diet Queen is fed up to here with people who are trying to help with her diet but only driving her to eat an entire tub of frozen yogurt. With toppings. Here is her advice for those well meaning folks.

If you have food issues and or weigh more than you would like to, then this blog is for you.

OK, it’s not really for you, because you already know what I’m about to say. But it’s for you to print out and leave where someone who is giving you a hard time (spouse, parent, well-meaning friend) can find it and read it for themselves.

Here is the truth: there is not a person on this planet who is overweight who doesn’t know it. Therefore, we really, seriously do NOT need anyone’s help in recognizing that we need to lose weight. We got it, thanks. We know we no longer fit into a size fill-in-the-blank. We do not pull on a pair of pants that fit a year ago and now is on the tight-ish side and think to ourselves “dang, these pants have been shrinking like nobody’s business.” Yeah, ok. We might think that about one pair of pants, but not when ever single piece of clothing we own acts that way.

So, friend of my friend, spouse of my friend, parent of my friend, we know you are well meaning. We know you have our best interests at heart. We know you love us and want us to be healthy and happy. But unless we have specifically asked you to do something you need to understand that there are things that Absolutely Do Not Help even though you think they do.

Things Not To Do If You Love Me

Asking “Are you sure you want to eat that?” I am not a five year old. If I were five, I’d probably still hate that tone of voice, but I’d be used to it. I am aware that I am about to stuff seventeen zillion calories into my mouth. I may hate myself later for doing it, but your question won’t stop that.

Saying to someone else “Oh, Faux doesn’t want any of (fill in the blank with the wonderful food of the moment).” Really? You’re reading my mind now? Because Faux most definitely does want some of that delish looking (fill in the blank).

Bringing Chips Ahoy or Oreos into the house and hiding them. Here’s a tip: I am the Queen, remember? I can find any food you try to hide. And I will. And I will eat it. And I will believe that since you didn’t see me eat it I won’t be affected by the calories. I will further believe that I am helping you since you really shouldn’t be eating them anyway.

Looking disapprovingly at me whenever I eat. Yeah, I know I need to lose weight. Your disapproval does not inspire me to rush out and run three miles. Quite the opposite. It inspires me to go find your Oreo stash and eat a couple of them to punish you for trying to punish me. Twisted logic, but there you go.

Bottom line: if you want to help, ask how you can help. Listen – really listen – to the answer. Most importantly, don’t decide that your answer is better than the one I give you.

The Faux Diet Queen is a Girlfriend and a Half, trying to find her Skinny Self. When she is not recording her weight loss journey from the bottom of a bag of chocolate chips, she is constantly on the search for ways to improve the trip back to her smaller jeans. You can join her for a cup of coffee here on Girlfriendology every Friday.

Girlfriendology / Debba here: We love our girlfriends no matter what size jeans they wear or what the scales tell them if they’re brave enough to get on them. (Something I personally avoid like the plague.) But, we also want our girlfriends to be around and healthy for a long time. We’re sharing this journey that our girlfriend, FDQ (the FAB Faux Diet Queen) because it’s what girlfriends do – we go through life and diet together (and shoe shopping, and highs and lows …). Join us on her journey to fitness and good health. We’re excited for her to motivate and inspire us all!

Here’s some more Faux Diet Queen ‘adventures.’ Stop back next Friday for the next installment!

• Coffee Commentary
• Top Ten Reasons I Can Believe I’m Beautiful | Food Free Thoughts
• Top Ten Reasons Chocolate is Good
• New Math, Funny Calories, and Food Labels
• Rituals, Coffee Time, and Me
• Valentine’s Day | Non-fattening Ideas
• It’s a Cinch—Sort of | Diet Review
• I am Ashamed of Myself | Confession and Resolve
• Food Beliefs I Have to Ditch Part II – More Food Baggage
• Year End Interview — Girlfriendology Talks to the Faux Diet Queen
• Diet Re-Launch for the New Year
• ‘Tis the Night Before New Year — A Story
• Water, water everywhere – Pass the Chardonnay
• The Faux Diet Queen Talks Turkey / Thanksgiving
• Beliefs I need to Ditch – Food Baggage
• Meet the Faux Diet Queen
• I Hate the Scale and the Scale Hates Me
• The FDQ Faces the Great Cookie Onslaught–Advice Needed!
• Food Pushers and Food Police

p.s. If your food stories fall into a more serious topic, like emotional eating, we’ve got a great girlfriend for you to meet too – ELLEN SHUMAN. She’s shared great advice on emotional eating on various guest blogs and podcasts. (Her podcast on emotional eating is our #1 listened to interview so lots of us have some emotional eating issues or friends/family who do.)

By the way, we LOVE guest blogs here at Girlfriendology. Have a great girlfriend story to tell? Want to celebrate your fabulous female friends? SHARE! (And, we also have Girlfriend Gurus – check that out to be featured on Girlfriendology!)

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