Do you read food labels? The FDQ (Faux Diet Queen) does. And what she found recently will have you laughing right along with her.
The Faux Diet Queen (or as we affectionately call her, FDQ) has agreed to share her latest (and last) weight loss journey with us as a regular feature at Girlfriendology. We hope you’ll join us to cheer her on, nudge her back on track when she strays, and generally giggle along.
When I was young, there was a big fuss about the “New Math.” Newspapers (definition: the paper things you don’t have to click when you want to turn a page) wrote about it, parents ranted about it, Tom Lehreh even wrote a song about it. Most of us didn’t actually get what they were all talking about. We had never been taught Old Math so New Math wasn’t so much New as it was just …. Math.
The point is, here we are almost (age censored out) years later, and FINALLY —today—I figured out the New Math. Pay attention, please.
OS = GD – MT à PP2 = MT
For those of you with rusty math skills, allow me to interpret: Over Sleeping equals Getting Dressed without Much Thought leads to Problem Pants (definition: pants that are slightly too snug) which yields Muffin Top. Simple, right?
Fortunately, I the blouse I grabbed covered a Multitude of Sins (definition: Muffin Top), and I didn’t have to spend the day worrying that my belt would spontaneous burst and put out someone’s eye.
I called my very mathematically-oriented gal pal Jenny because I thought she would get a kick out of this new interpretation. She listened to the whole theory and said, “But can you breathe?” Jenny is a good friend; she is very practical about things like oxygen.
It turns out that I’m not the only one with a new approach to math. Have you noticed what companies are doing to nutrition labels? When they say that a piece of cookie the size of a Cheerio is a ‘serving,’ I just want to bust out laughing!
On the other hand, some companies list a serving size as five (count ‘em, five) cookies. What mom ever told a kid that five cookies was one serving??? “Come on, mom, just five more cookies.” Nope, never heard that in my house.
I also discovered another product playing New Math games. This well known brand makes stuff you add to water to make it taste good without adding g’dillions (definition: lots) of calories. They started by making the stuff in tubs you add to a gallon of water, but they have moved with the times and now make the handy little pouches tubes travel size units you can make on the go. The idea is you take a bottle of water, rip open the pouch, pour in the powder, shake, and voila! Yumminess with only 5 calories. Right? Wrong.
Turns out that the little pouch thing is actually not one serving. The label says—I hope you’re sitting down—that a serving is HALF a tube! Half. As in less than the whole thing. These are for making drinks on the go! Who ever heard of carrying a Tupperware container to put the rest of your packet in? How would you even go about measuring a half? And ok, I get that 10 calories is really not very many. (And I do love yumminess in a handy pouch.) But half is a serving? Please.
No wonder people got upset about New Math the last time around…
The Faux Diet Queen is a Girlfriend and a Half, trying to find her Skinny Self. When she is not recording her weight loss journey from the bottom of a bag of chocolate chips (NOTE: she has never read the serving size for chocolate chips, because–let’s face it–who cares?), she is constantly on the search for ways to improve the trip back to her smaller jeans. You can join her for a cup of coffee here on Girlfriendology every Friday.
What “New Math” foods or food labeling have you found?
Girlfriendology / Debba here: We love our girlfriends no matter what size jeans they wear or what the scales tell them if they’re brave enough to get on them. (Something I personally avoid like the plague.) But, we also want our girlfriends to be around and healthy for a long time. We’re sharing this journey that our girlfriend, FDQ (the FAB Faux Diet Queen) because it’s what girlfriends do – we go through life and diet together (and shoe shopping, and highs and lows …). Join us on her journey to fitness and good health. We’re excited for her to motivate and inspire us all!
Here’s some more Faux Diet Queen ‘adventures.’ Stop back next Friday for the next installment!
- Rituals, Coffee Time, and Me
- Valentine’s Day | Non-fattening Ideas
- It’s a Cinch—Sort of | Diet Review
- I am Ashamed of Myself | Confession and Resolve
- Food Beliefs I Have to Ditch Part II – More Food Baggage
- Year End Interview — Girlfriendology Talks to the Faux Diet Queen
- Diet Re-Launch for the New Year
- ‘Tis the Night Before New Year — A Story
- Water, water everywhere – Pass the Chardonnay
- The Faux Diet Queen Talks Turkey / Thanksgiving
- Beliefs I need to Ditch – Food Baggage
- Meet the Faux Diet Queen
- I Hate the Scale and the Scale Hates Me
- The FDQ Faces the Great Cookie Onslaught–Advice Needed!
- Food Pushers and Food Police
p.s. If your food stories fall into a more serious topic, like emotional eating, we’ve got a great girlfriend for you to meet too – ELLEN SHUMAN. She’s shared great advice on emotional eating on various guest blogs and podcasts. (Her podcast on emotional eating is our #1 listened to interview so lots of us have some emotional eating issues or friends/family who do.)
By the way, we LOVE guest blogs here at Girlfriendology. Have a great girlfriend story to tell? Want to celebrate your fabulous female friends? SHARE! (And, we also have Girlfriend Gurus – check that out to be featured on Girlfriendology!)
Sign up for our weekly newsletter and get our FREE eBook ‘30 Days / 30 Ways to Be a Better Friend‘ - check it out!
More to check out – Facebook.com/Girlfriendology where we’re connecting with over 25,000 women (we block guys!) and Pinterest.com/Girlfriendology where we share visual inspiration. THANKS to our BIG 2012 sponsor – Biz Stain Fighter. And – Thanks to YOU Girlfriend!