Girlfriends tell me their stories. In line at the grocery store, at parties, in emails and any chance they get. In general, women love to share about the fabulous friend(s) who bless their life and how they’ve been there for each other through every type of situation and how much they need their girlfriends. But what about those who don’t? What about those girls/women who wonder why/if they need girlfriends anyway?
That’s why the following story from a new girlfriend, Vickie, needs to be told. As she shares, she’s struggled with friendships and she’s not the only one. She’s very honest about girls/women not being a big part of her life for many years. She shares the lessons she’s learned along the way and how self-love and an effort have brought friends and happiness into her life. Can you relate? What lessons can you learn from this honest, open guest blog by Vicki?
Who Needs Girlfriends Anyway?, by Vickie
When Debba first asked me to write an article for Girlfriendology, I pretty much blew her off. I was flattered, but didn’t really think I had much to contribute in this area. I had never had the kind of girlfriendships I was hearing her talk about and reading on her blog. But when she and I talked at the New Media Cincy Meetup last weekend, I told her some of my thoughts and that I came to the conclusion that I do have something to contribute.
The fact is, I didn’t grow up with very many friends. In seventh grade I was the new kid in school and for some reason was never accepted into the class. For the most part, for five years at that school, no one spoke to me. I had a couple “friends” but after high school we all went our separate ways.
To say my self-esteem was shot is an understatement and I think I can reasonably state it has taken me almost 15 years to get … past it. I started to say over it, but I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over it. But I can definitely say I’m healed from the deepest pain of it. The tough part now is not letting it come back.
So after high school I had to figure out how to make friends. For years I fought the pain, cried, put myself out there, only to be rejected again and again. Then I’d pull back and try again a few years later. I did make some friends over time, but still had no one with whom I could just call up and go to lunch or a movie. And actually, some of the women I met in those years have now become what I would call close friends (in honor of Nancy, MaryAnn, Kathy and Sharon).
What I believe was the hardest part about making friends is what I tell myself. Every day is a constant guard to reject the lies I had told myself for years: I’m not worth being a friend, I have nothing to contribute to a friendship, I’m not special/there’s nothing special about me, I’m not an interesting person, I’m boring. Turns out, this negative self-talk was 90% of my battle to make friends. The problem, at least for me, was me; not, in most cases, the other person (okay, except for high school). So I had to find some new thoughts to think. That in itself is a story for another time; BUT, it was a girlfriend that led me in the right direction.
Today I work hard to keep that mindset. I still surprise myself sometimes when I have the thought, “I do think I am an interesting person;” (That one still amazes me.) And I take joy in those thoughts. And the more I think those thoughts than the old ones, the more I am friendly, and put myself out there. I’m also discovering who I am; and who I am is an outgoing, vivacious, sometimes loud person (my favorite color has always been red, so what does that tell you?!) who has something to give/contribute.
I’m not sure how related this article is to girlfriends; I still have kind of a sole-ish life, I spend a lot of my time on my own (although I am married), but now I’m okay with that and accept it as part of my life. And when I do things with my girlfriends, I treasure it. Both sides have shaped who I am and who I am becoming. I now get concerned when I hear people talking bad about or to themselves. It breaks my heart because they too are truly just as interesting and worthy a person as I am.
You know, if you think you’re the only one, call me. And then together we’ll be TWO.
Vickie - thank you so much for sharing. You’re not alone in this struggle to find friendship and to accept and love yourself. Thanks for the honest lessons of friendship and for being a friend to all of us who read it. You’re a good friend. And, I’m very glad to have met you!
What do YOU think? Do you need girlfriends? Why or why not? Please share!
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One Comment
Thank you so much for sharing what a lot of girls would be embarrassed to share and what they privately long for as they see other women sharing in fun and life together. I attribute my difficulty in making friends a great deal to the fact that my mother never had many friends, so I did not have a model of what true and genuine friendship looked like outside of a large family who were our primary friends. Now many miles away from family and at 42, I am trying to be an over-comer in the area of few friends and working hard to be a good friend to others. I am teaching my daughters to do the same. Thank you for helping me see that I am not alone and it is worth the time and effort to keep putting yourself out there.